Day 52 – Desperately Seeking John Hughes

Today’s Action – Getting clothes that fit.

Clothes shopping is like stepping into a fun house ride where monsters jump out and scare you periodically.  Just thinking about it makes me breakout in a sweat.

Growing up we had the worst combination; living poor in a wealthy neighborhood. The kids I went to junior high were all rich and beautiful. I know, it sounds like a John Hughes film, but Andrew McCarthy didn’t pick me at the end and I didn’t transform into a beautiful girl by simply taking my glasses off.

I had two strikes against me; I was overweight and I had the jeans. I wanted Sara Jeans with sparkles in the fabric – everyone had them; they were pretty and feminine.

I had dark denim with orange stitching down the side – in bulk.  This was the age of stone-washed denim, shoe laces with pictures of Pac-Man on them, Nike shoes, peasant blouses, and wedgies. That orange stitching flashed like a caution light when I walked down the hallways warning others away.

We’re all pretty bizarre. Some of us are just better at hiding it, that’s all.- Andrew, The Breakfast Club

I would ache; that bone deep ache to be like everyone else. I wanted to curl my hair and go to friend’s houses to talk about boys; instead I was a pariah.  The words I heard are basis for every insecurity I now fight against.

That girl was, is, and always will be nada! – Steff, Pretty in Pink

Since Andrew McCarthy never showed up, I eventually ended up in the parking lot with the other misfits. I started smoking and wearing a new uniform; my uniform of nonconformity; torn clothes, chains, plaid and old leather. I tried to pluck out my femininity like tick.

Periodically I will try to style my hair, get make-up lessons, have a personal shopper, wear jewelry, have fake nails – but I always end up feeling like I am in drag. I live in terror that my friends are following me with a camera so they can submit the video to What not to Wear.

That ache of a 12-year-old desperately trying to fit in has never gone away. I hate shopping because it feels like every time I go I am daring myself to hope. Hope that I will find my Sara Jeans; inevitably I fail:

• The store won’t carry my size
• I find my size but they won’t fit
• It fits, but I need a second job to afford them

In the end I buy clothes that cover me.  Long shirts, pants a size too big, bulky jackets.   After I spend hours looking for that outfit that will make me look a size 4, I give up and get the outfit that hides me.

I am getting close to the 2 month mark and while I have only lost 5 pounds, my jeans are baggy to the point of falling off – they were baggy when I started.   My best friend gave me a gift card for a clothing store for Christmas.

I need to conquer this fear and find clothes that fit and do not hide. Clothes that show who I am instead of diverting from what I am not.

I just want them to know that they didn’t break me. – Andie, Pretty in Pink

I will go in, tell the clerk what I need and then follow her suggestions. It’s time to stop hiding.